Secrets revealed
by ArtemisApollo97
Summary: The Valdezs have some guests. And various opinions. And ships. Life with the Valdezs can take some getting used to.


**Another one-shot, sorry! I just feel like doing one-shots at the moment, but at least it's something ^_^ I own nothing but my OCs!**

* * *

"I don't like this."

"You don't like most things."

"That's beside the point, Valdez. Last I checked, snooty posh people weren't allowed in."

"Lou, it's for Joe. And will you stop talking a million miles an hour? I'm only getting every other word." Louisa decided to grumble instead. Leo rolled his eyes- got a glare for that- and welcomed Joe and his parents in. "Charlie!" There was a thud and then Charlie staggered from his room, tripping over his feet and landing with a second thud. "Uh, are you-?"

"I'm OK!" Charlie bounced to his feet. "Josephine!"

"Charlie, will you not-?"

"No." Charlie said, deadly serious. A split second later, he was beaming like a Cheshire cat and rushing forward to hug his best friend. "It's been so long!"

"We saw each other at school. This morning."

"Too long! Up!"

"Charlie, don't koala him!" Leo exasperated.

"Too late!" Charlie cackled victoriously. "Onwards!" He declared, forcing Joe into giving him a piggy-back. Leo and Louisa exchanged challenging looks- _your son, your son, definitely your son_ \- while Joe's parents, Meghan and Harrison, surveyed the Valdez apartment. Louisa noticed the curl of their lips immediately, temper sky-rocketing. Leo cleared his throat, grabbing her hand and forcing a smile at their guests.

"Tea? Coffee?"

"Poison?" Louisa muttered. Only Leo heard. He gave her fingers a _behave_ squeeze and invited Meghan and Harrison to sit. Neither of them looked too pleased with this. They lived in a house worth millions and millions, inside and out, out in the sticks. The Valdez bunch lived in a simple, three bed apartment on the outskirts of the city, not even an hour's drive from Camp. Leo didn't let go of his wife's hand, dragging her into the kitchen. Charlie was sat on the counter, scarfing cookies from the jar. He froze when his parents entered.

"It was Joe's idea." He said around his mouthful, pointing an accusing finger at his friend. Joe raised an expectant brow at this.

"Give." Louisa took the jar, taking a peek at the contents. "Charlie, you pig! That was a new packet in there!"

"Not anymore."

"Your son." Louisa shot at Leo.

"My son doesn't koala people."

"My son don't eat for a family."

"And you think I do? Look at these noodle arms!" Leo protested. Louisa eyed him for a moment, snorted with laughter and shook her head. "Wait, they never actually said what they wanted." He grimaced. "I don't want to go back out there. Not on my own."

"Hey, if ya take me out there, I'm gonna smack 'em."

"Please don't."

"Mama." Louisa faced Charlie. "Mama, they don't know." Charlie said in a whisper, nodding at Joe. Louisa considered the other boy and sighed. "If you hold him down, I'll write it on his forehead."

"Whoa, where did you get a permanent marker? Charlie, we've talked about those." Leo held his hand out for the pen. Charlie huffed, squishing the lid back on and handing it over. Leo tapped him on the head with it. "You are too much like your _madre_. No touchy markers. Joe, he's not- you can-" Leo motioned bringing his hands down. Joe had his firmly over his forehead. Charlie gave an impish grin and Joe decided to stand behind Louisa.

"Kid, ya gonna tell 'em?"

"I can't." Joe squeaked.

"Mm. I say we drug him."

"No, don't drug him!" Leo hissed. "He's fifteen, you can't drug him!"

"It's that or Charlie snogs him in front of his parents." Louisa spread her hands, silently daring Leo to come up with a better plan. Charlie was humming to himself at this point, only realising what was going on when Joe's face resembled a beetroot.

"Wait, what?" He asked.

"Nothing." Joe said quickly. Charlie raised a brow at his parents, but they weren't paying attention, debating back and forth under their breaths, heads huddled together. Leo shook his head a couple of times, Louisa pinched him, said something else and then stomped her foot. Charlie narrowed his eyes at them. Joe wasn't going to tell him anything; he hopped down and barged between them, smiling sweetly.

"Hello. I heard my name a few times, what do you want?" Louisa started to speak. Leo's hand shot out and covered her mouth.

"No. You are a troublemaker and should not have ideas." She mumbled something behind his hand. "If that was 'fight me', I will. I'd probably die trying, but I will." Her eyes glittered with mirth. "Only if you stay quiet though." The merriment disappeared and she glowered. Leo slowly pulled his hand away. Louisa stayed mute. "Huh. That actually worked."

"Valdez…" She growled warningly.

"Hey, you a Valdez too. And have been for, what, twenty-odd years now? I thought that'd have gone through all the seaweed up here." He bopped her on the head. Louisa slugged him in the shoulder and called him an ass.

"Is there a plan or are you two just going to fight?" Charlie intervened.

"We're not fighting." Leo assured. "And there is a plan-"

"Leo's plan."

"It's a good plan."

"Your plans suck."

"And yours are better?"

"Of course."

"Lou, you wanted them to go and have a full-on make-out session in the living room!"

"Not want to." Louisa defied, folding her arms. "That would be inappropriate. I just thought it might make a statement." Leo shook his head. Charlie had suddenly found his socks very interesting. Joe was looking out the window, his back to them. Leo sighed, rubbing wearisomely at his face. "Ya know, we're takin' a real long time ta make _tea_. Psst, there's some laxatives in the cupboard."

"Why?"

"Uh, duh. Ta put in their drinks."

"You bought… you bought laxatives because they were coming over?"

"Valdez, we've been married _twenty-odd years_ , that ain't gone through yet?"

"Oh, very clever." Leo set about making the tea. Charlie looked up at his mother, chewing his lip. Louisa smiled reassuringly at him, ruffling his curls. Charlie glanced quickly at his father and then back at her. Louisa was watching her husband, head tilted to one side. He was muttering to himself in Spanish, gesturing with his hands in between putting the mugs out, dropping tea bags and sugar in them. Louisa smiled wickedly.

"Valdez." She called in a sing-song voice. He replied in Spanish, looking quizzically over his shoulder when she said nothing. Her hair hung in thick, glossy waves to her waist and she flashed him her most dazzling smile. Leo faltered, wanting to stay mad, but unable to.

"I hate you." He eventually decided, frowning at the kettle.

"Nah, ya love me."

"That's unfair, you're cheating."

"Oh, poor baby." Louisa cooed teasingly, sweeping forward and hugging him from behind. Charlie gave a small exhale of relief and motioned to Joe, heading back into the living room. "Valdez…"

"I'm ignoring you."

"Ya can't ignore me."

"I can try."

"Mmm, no." Louisa suddenly locked her arms around his middle, bear-hugging him. Leo spluttered, breath lodging in his chest. "Not lettin' go." Leo tried to wiggle free, but she only ended up koalaing him too, limbs wrapped around him with no hint of leeway. He managed to make the tea, but there was no way he could carry it out with her on his back.

"Lou."

"Nope."

"Louisa."

"No. Not until ya say it." Leo sighed. "Come on, ya know ya want to." She teased, pressing her fingers to his mouth. "Valdez, it's right there…" She continued, the sing-song quality back in her voice. Leo shook his head. She could feel his smile against her fingertips and smirked.

"Te amo."

"Te amo too." She planted a raspberry on his cheek and hopped down. Leo didn't look at her until her hair was back up in a messy bun, not trusting her when she played that card. "Dork."

"Witch." He stuck his tongue out, ducking to retrieve a tray from the cupboard. "Here," he said, placing the six mugs aboard the tray, "make yourself useful and take this in. And no laxatives." He warned, leaning in close to make sure she got the message. Louisa pressed her lips together, eyes widening in innocence. "That look doesn't fool me, chica." Leo smirked, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek and sending her out. She shot a cheeky grin at him before disappearing out the door. Leo took a moment, trying to think of some suitable comeback. She didn't play the hair-down-disarming-smile trick often, but when she did… well, it was basically cheating and it would take a while for Leo to come back from that.

Louisa had saved him his spot on the armchair. And by saved, she was sitting in it. She stood to let him sit, passed him his hot chocolate and sat on his lap, nursing her own chocolatey beverage. The boys had hot chocolate too. Meghan and Harrison had tea. Although, going by the looks on their faces, it wasn't the posh tea they were used to. They were sitting on opposite ends of the sofa. Charlie and Joe were sat on the floor. Charlie was looking from one set of parents to the other, sticking his bottom lip out in disapproval of whatever conclusion he had come to. Joe didn't notice, paying no-one any attention, blowing gently on his drink and still a little pink-faced.

Silence stretched on. Leo fidgeted nervously. Louisa cut him a look over her shoulder, leaning back against his chest. Leo's arm went around her waist and tipped his head to hers. Meghan's upper lip curled again. Charlie silently berated her in Spanish. His parents were comfortable with each other and she was clearly jealous. _Maybe if you didn't have such a stick in the mud husband…_

"This is fun." Louisa remarked, fishing tiny marshmallows from her drink. Charlie looked into his drink, finding no miniature treats and pouting.

"Your home is… quaint." Meghan deadpanned.

"Right." Louisa said, feeling Leo's hand tighten on her waist- _behave_.

"I like it here." Joe chipped in. His parents looked at him, wondering why the hell would he?

"That's 'cos I'm here." Charlie grinned. "You'd like it at yours if I was there all the time too. Not that Mama would let me go that easily." He smiled at his mother.

"You ain't gettin' my marshmallows."

"Dammit."

"Nice try, Charlie." Joe laughed, patting his friend on the shoulder.

"Maybe next time." Charlie agreed. " _Padre_ , why didn't I get any little marshmallows?"

"He loves me more." Louisa smirked before Leo could say anything. Charlie gaped at her. "Ain't that right, Valdez?"

"I'm… I'm not getting into this." Leo shook his head for what had to be the billionth time that day. Louisa said something quietly to him. Leo tutted and scolded her good-naturedly under his breath.

Harrison set his tea down, practically untouched.

"I assume there was a reason you invited us here?"

"It's called manners." Louisa remarked. "'N' ya might wanna try 'em."

"Lou!" Leo hissed, doing his best to hide a smile.

"What? Oh, right. Behave, behave. Yeah, yeah, whatever." She bowed her head, bringing her cup to her lips and muttering into the last of her drink. Awkward silence flattened the air around them again. Charlie finished his drink. Joe left the last dregs and sighed. He always loved Leo's hot chocolates- other hot chocolates just tasted bland in comparison.

"Hey, Joe." Charlie swatted his friend's arm. "Check out this thing I ordered."

"I ordered." Leo corrected.

"Potato patato." Charlie replied cheekily. He and Joe vanished into his room, leaving the parents. Louisa had a few unsatisfactory things to say about this, gently shushed by Leo and another of his _behave_ squeezes.

"Now what?" Louisa asked, mostly directing her question at her husband. Leo gave a minute shrug.

"Did you hear about the pelican at the restaurant?"

"What?"

"He had a huge bill."

"Lame." Louisa shook her head. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Leo shrugged. "Ta get ta the idiot's house. Knock knock."

"If you say 'the chicken', I'm going to divorce you."

"That's not the line." Louisa frowned. "Knock knock." She persisted. Leo sighed.

"Who's there?"

"The chicken."

"Technically, this is your house too."

"Ya'd better not be sayin' what I think ya sayin', Valdez."

"You always said idiocy is a Valdez thing." Leo replied simply. "Be it genetic or by marriage."

"Well, accordin' to you, we ain't gonna be married for much longer. Get them divorce papers, Valdez, I'll sign 'em."

"No you won't."

"'N' what makes you so sure?"

"You love me." Leo grinned. "Hard not to." He added when she proceeded to fume silently. "Know any good jokes?" He asked the other couple. Harrison blinked at him, as if he didn't know what a joke was. Meghan pursed her lips, as if jokes were for commoners. Leo was sure Louisa was growling at her with intense loathing, but he might have just been imagining it. The look on her face warranted a growl by itself.

"Joseph said your son was bisexual." Meghan looked as though she was sucking a lemon.

"Yes. And?" Leo prompted.

"Are you not ashamed?"

"No." Louisa started. Leo made sure his arm was firm around her waist; he didn't need a cat fight today. "Actually quite proud of him for bein' able ta tell us."

"It is not natural." Harrison frowned.

"Yeah, well, it ain't like ya face is either, is it?"

"Lou, please." Leo requested carefully. She glowered and cursed in Ancient Greek, sitting back and turning away from the other two. "I suppose it's probably not a good idea to tell you we know at least… four gay and/or bisexual people, mm?"

"What?" Meghan and Harrison leant back, trying to distance themselves. "Why?"

"Because they're our friends." Leo answered calmly. "And family." He added as Louisa nudged him. "I don't see why you're worried. It's not like they could have unplanned pregnancies or anything. I'm pretty sure you know where babies come from?" Meghan jumped to her feet. Louisa did a double-take; she had never seen that woman move so much.

"I wish to go." She told her husband.

"Ditto." Harrison stood. Louisa still wasn't looking at them, but Leo could see a proud little smirk directed at him. She squeezed his hand and stood. Harrison made his way to Charlie's room, opening the door without knocking.

"Jose- _what are you doing_?" Louisa and Leo shared looks. Meghan hurried to her husband's side, shrieking and clasping her face in her hands. The Valdez couple scrambled forward too, Louisa wiggling between their horrified guests.

"Aww, Jolie!" She bounced forward, scooping the two boys in a hug. Both of them were red-faced, but it wasn't like they had done anything remotely scandalous- just a kiss. Joe buried his face in Louisa's shoulder, not wanting to look his parents in the eye. Charlie was promising his mother it really was just a kiss, he was sorry. "No, don't apologise! It's 'bout damn time!" Leo worked his way into the room, joined the hug. That's when Harrison's wits came back. He turned puce in temper and bellowed like an angry bull. Leo and Charlie let go of Louisa- Harrison could get as angry as he wanted, throw all his toys from the pram, stomp his feet, whatever- _no-one_ could out-tantrum Louisa.

"This is your son's doing!" He raged. "Joseph would never display such _disgusting_ behaviour!"

"Firstly, his name is Joe. Secondly, it ain't digustin'. 'N' thirdly," Louisa gave a sweet smile, but her eyes were cold, "shut the fuck up, back the _fuck_ off 'n' don't you _dare_ disrespect my son _ever_ again!"

"Oh, and what are you going to do?" Harrison towered over here, almost two feet taller. "Your son is a bad influence and I never want Joseph near him again!" Harrison made to get around her, but Louisa was right there, right wherever he wanted to be.

"Ya ain't gettin' past me."

"And I'll say this again- _what_ … are _you_ going to do about it?" Harrison pushed his face into Louisa's. He expected her to stand down. He did not expect the malicious grin.

"Ooh, I love it when they ask that."

"Chica, remember what we talked about."

"I know, I know, no mess." Louisa cracked her knuckles. Harrison blinked at her. His gaze slid to Leo for a split second- he saw the two boys clinging onto Leo, one watching interestedly, the other watching in terror- and then pain erupted through his stomach, chest seizing as the wind was smacked right out of him. He staggered, marvelling at the tiny woman before him. Louisa grinned, fists clenched. She didn't even let him stop for a moment to draw breath, lunging forward, a straight smack to the face, left then right then left again, a solid kick to the gut, he fell back, crashing into the wall, his wife squeaking somewhere to his right. He heaved, shaky breathing slowly coming back to him, head spinning. He managed to put his fists up, taking the odd swing. He made no connection, she was there and then she wasn't. He tried grabbing for her and she danced around him, crushing her palm to his lower back. He overbalanced, lurched forward and crashed, face-first, into the floor.

"I'm calling the police!" Meghan's voice was trill.

"Leo." Louisa said. Leo pulled something from his tool belt, a black rod about half a foot long, and aimed it at Meghan's phone. There was a small whine and then the operator's voice disappeared. Meghan wailed, smacking her phone against her palm, pressing the on-off button repeatedly. Leo pocketed his gadget and smiled.

"You're going to need a new phone, love."

"Excuse me?" Louisa challenged, rounding on him.

"That was a sarcastic 'love', chica, promise." Leo nodded at his wife. Harrison groaned, pushed himself up groggily. Leo put himself in front of the boys, keeping a hand on each one. Yes, Harrison was bigger and stronger and Louisa could take him no problem. That didn't mean Leo could. Leo was no good with this hand-to-hand combat.

Thankfully, his wife was there in a heartbeat, scrambling up Harrison's back and sitting on his shoulders like it was the most natural thing to do. She leant forward and grinned at him, lacing her fingers together and bringing her combined fists straight down into his face. Harrison toppled backwards and she leapt forward, landing neatly on the bed. "You're a little monkey." Leo commented, sharing a high five with her. Harrison, although conscious, didn't get back up. Meghan was at his side in an instance. His face was all bruised and swollen, bloody nose. Charlie looked up at his mother.

"Teach me."

"OK."

"No." Leo said at the same time, resting a hand on his son's forehead. "You get in enough trouble as it is, no. You OK, Joe?"

"You… you… you…" He too looked up at Louisa. Leo offered his hand. Louisa smiled, taking it and hopping down. Joe was staring at her in amazement. "You… stood up for me?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I needed a reason ta punch ya dad in the face."

"She means that she cares." Leo translated, elbowing her.

"Yeah, of course I do. We all do." Joe started to speak. His gaze slid past Louisa and he hurriedly looked down. Louisa glanced over her shoulder and smiled. "Meghan."

"How _dare_ you?" Meghan screeched. The Valdezs winced and rubbed at their ears. Joe took a step back. "You have no right dictating Joseph's life; you are not his parent!" Louisa squinted at her.

"'N' you are?"

"I'm his _mother_!"

"Yet, gay people are disgustin', quote-unquote."

"My son is not gay! It's your little brat, he's a bad influence on my Joseph!" Charlie pouted- that was twice he had been called a 'bad influence' in the space of two minutes.

"Oh, sweet Poseidon, you lot are so fuckin' dense." Louisa pulled irritably on her hair. "Right, newsflash. Plus, ya might wanna take notes, I don't know how much info a bobble-head can hold. Ya son don't like bein' called _Joseph_ , which is why everyone else who likes 'n' _respects_ him calls him _Joe_. 'N' he's so _gay_ 'n' you're so _blind_. 'N' then there's this for ya as well." Louisa slapped Meghan so hard, it sent her reeling. "Sorry 'bout this, Joe, but I've needed ta do that for a long time."

"Ooh, that is _it_! I don't want my son anywhere near your… your…" Meghan looked at Charlie, breathing heavily, contempt lining every angle of her face.

"Too bad." Louisa said. "Here's what's gonna happen. First, ya gonna take that ugly lump out of my home. Secondly, Joe's stayin' here. I'd say I'm kidnappin' him, but then I'd have ta take him against his will 'n', correct me if I'm wrong, Joe, but didn't ya say ya liked it here?"

"Yes."

"So, if I made ya stay, you wouldn't press charges, would ya?"

"No."

"You wanna stay?"

"Uh… please?" Joe squeaked. Louisa raised a brow at Leo.

"Fine by me." Leo shrugged, smiling at Joe.

"You can't- that's my son, you're my son, you will do as you're told and come home!" Meghan took hold of Joe's arm and tried to pull him away. Joe wiggled his arm free and stepped back.

"But I am home." He replied without missing a beat. Charlie brightened, bouncing on the spot.

"Josephine!" He gushed. Joe burned crimson, but he was smiling. Charlie koalaed him and they landed in a heap on the floor, knocking Leo over too. "You're staying, you're staying! He's staying, right?"

"Of course he's staying." Leo smiled, propping himself up on his elbows. "Lou, what was third?"

"What? Oh! Yeah, third. I need ya to sign this."

"What?" Meghan recoiled at the papers suddenly shoved into her face. "What are those?"

"Adoption papers."

" _I beg your pardon_?"

"This is third. Third, we are adoptin' Joe."

"Not without our permission you're not!"

"Figured you'd say that. In that case, Joe, ya can stay with us as long as ya want." Louisa rolled the papers up. Joe was staring at them as if they were the Holy Grail, albeit guiltily. Louisa simply handed them to Leo and he let his tool belt take them. "Just remember, you've only got a son in title. You 'n' that thing down there do squat for him. I mean, ya don't even accept him for who he really is. What kind of parents are you, alienatin' ya own kid? We've got a gay one, a straight one 'n' a bi one 'n' ya don't see us treatin' 'em any different, do ya?"

"The police will be involved." Meghan threatened.

"That's alright. I can handle the police. We've still got those pictures of Joe's bruises, right?"

"Like I'd lose important evidence." Leo patted his tool belt.

"Bruises, what bruises?"

"The bruises from when ya husband smacked Joe straight in the face. 'Cos Joe was defendin' gay people. Charlie had ta make up a story so Joe wouldn't get picked on at school, told people Joe had saved him from some muggers. A nice story, but the truth's a bit harder to swallow, ain't it?"

"I'll show them what you did to Harrison."

"Go on then. I acted in self-defence."

"Liar."

"No. Truth." Leo corrected. "Lou didn't attack until she thought Harrison was going to hurt Charlie and Joe. And she only slapped you because you were trying to take Joe somewhere against his will which is classified as kidnap. You've got nothing against us, Meghan, you may as well go home and let things run its course." Meghan coloured furiously, the violent red mark almost purple now.

"This isn't over."

"Of course not. Until it is, however, Joe stays here."

"All his things are at home."

"I'll come 'n' get them then."

"No. I won't let you into my house."

"It's not your house, sweetheart. It's his." Louisa nodded at Harrison. "'N' he ain't in any fit state ta make decisions. Bye bye now."

It took half an hour for Meghan to get Harrison out of the house. Leo and Louisa kept Joe and Charlie in Charlie's room, barricading the door. Leo made sure Louisa didn't smack her again, because it wouldn't be self-defence, but they did let Joe come out and talk to his mother; "Mom, please. I know you're mad, but this isn't worth it."

"You can't be _gay_."

"But I am. I didn't ask to be, but I am. Like how you didn't ask to be blonde, but you are."

"Joseph, that is _hair colour._ It's genetics. Not… not… if you hadn't been hanging around with that Valdez boy, we wouldn't be in this mess now!"

"I figured out I was gay long before Charlie figured out he was bi."

"W-what?"

"Ooh, plot twist." Louisa grinned. "So, we could say that it's _Joe's_ fault that _Charlie's_ bi."

"Lou, shush." Leo put a finger to his lips. Louisa did too- her middle finger. "Let's leave them to talk, come on."

"But- ugh, fine. Joe, if ya need us, just call." Leo took Louisa's arm and started dragging her away. Louisa hung back for a moment, just to tell Meghan, "If you hurt him, I will hurt you." Leo managed to get her away then.

"Mom?"

"No. I… I can't think, Joseph, this… this isn't right. How long have you… _known_?"

"A couple of years."

" _Years_?" Joe nodded tentatively. "You… you've been… with him for, for _years_?"

"Not for years, no. Look, I… I only figured out that I was gay because I realised I liked Charlie. Like, liked him liked him. But… well, Charlie was still coming to terms with a few things himself and, uh… the, um, the… n-nothing has really happened between us until… until recently."

"How recently?"

"A few hours ago recently?" Joe said quietly. Meghan stared at him. "I wanted to tell you. But I knew how you and Dad felt about… about gay people, so I… didn't. I wasn't expecting for you to find out this way. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but… the longer I- I put it off, the harder it gets to tell you."

"So what were you going to do, invite me to your wedding and then go, 'oh, sorry, Mom. I forgot to tell you the bride's a groom too!' Why are you smiling?"

"I like you when Dad's not around. You've got a better sense of humour."

"Joseph, this is _serious_. Your father is in the car now; we want you to come home." Joe's smile vanished instantly.

"I… I can't… I can't do that, not… not since…"

"I won't let him hurt you."

"But he might hurt you. Mom, don't… I've seen you flinch, I've seen what happens, I'm not stupid."

"Wait, I'm callin' time."

"Lou!"

"No, hold up." Louisa waved Leo away. "Uh, Meghan. I figured you 'n' Harrison weren't on great husband-wife relations, but he ain't… has he hit you?"

"No! He just… has a temper and sometimes things get broken, he'd never hit me!"

"But he hit Joe."

"That was years ago and only the once." Even to Meghan her argument sounded weak.

"Look, I'll be frank with you- ya get on my nerves. But I ain't gonna stand by 'n' let someone be bullied. He may not be hittin' you, but his breakin' things 'n' temper tantrums are signs that he wants to hit you."

"No, that's not…"

"True? I wish." Louisa dragged a hand over her face, thinking furiously. "Valdez."

"Mm?" Leo pressed a hand to the small of Louisa's back. She looked at him over her shoulder and a silent conversation passed between them. "She can have one of the girls' old rooms."

"How about that then?"

"What?"

"I'll drive you 'n' Twatface back 'n' you can pack some overnight stuff for you 'n' Joe."

"You… you want me to stay here?"

"I know it's not as posh as what you're used to," Leo smiled, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder, "but at least you're not in a toxic environment."

"Why- I don't understand, why are you doing this?"

"Because we're nice people." Leo cleared his throat. "Excuse me?" Louisa looked at him challengingly.

"There, proves my point. Meghan, we help people where we can. We both know what it's like to be… to be on the outside looking in. Joe needed our help, here we are. You need our help, it's there if you want it."

"I… what about Harrison?"

"I can take care of him."

"No." Leo grabbed Louisa's hand. "No." He repeated firmly. "Leave him at home. We'll sort Meghan and Joe out first."

"Ya know, I didn't really expect for things ta go like this tonight. We've got Jolie _and_ we're stickin' up for _Meghan_. You put somethin' in my hot chocolate, didn't ya?" She wagged an accusing finger in Leo's face. Leo laughed and pushed her hand down, lacing their fingers.

"If I did, it would have been sedatives. Are you alright, Meghan?"

"M-me?"

"Yes. We only know one Meghan."

"I… um… I t-thi-think so?" Joe furrowed his brow, watching his mother in confusion. Meghan didn't look any of them in the eye, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"You're so human."

"Excuse me?"

"Without his lordship around, you're _human_." Louisa poked Meghan's shoulder. "I always swore blind you were some kind of robot or somethin'."

"OK?"

"I'm thinkin' if we keep you 'n' Fatty apart, you'd be a pretty decent person." Louisa looked to Leo, who nodded once in agreement. Meghan wrung her hands nervously. Louisa grinned. "I like me a project. Valdez, get the duct tape."

"You are not allowed duct tape."

"Says who?"

"Says me."

"Irrelevant."

"Relevant." Leo half-turned, pushing his son's bedroom door open. "Charlie, you can come out now."

"I did that years ago."

"No. Come out of your room, not the closet."

"Oh. Right." Charlie wiggled under his father's arm and smiled. "So, I hear Meghan is staying here too?" His parents nodded. "On one condition- she stops calling him Joseph, it's so weird."

"And Josephine isn't?" Meghan retorted.

"Ooh. You're right." He told his parents. "More human without the baggage." Charlie considered this new opponent. "Keep this up and we could be friends."

"No thank you."

"She secretly likes that idea, you secretly like that idea, I can see it on your face. You can't not be friends with me, I'm awesome and lovable. Very lovable." He smiled angelically. Joe laughed.

"Don't trust a word he says, Mom." Joe advised. "He's not as innocent as he looks."

"Innocent until proven guilty!" Charlie declared.

"Proven guilty about ninety-nine point nine nine nine nine nine-" Louisa went on and on and on until she had to draw breath, blowing a raspberry at her son. "May as well round it up to a hundred."

"No." Charlie stuck his bottom lip out. Louisa messed his curls, smiling. "Sleepover!"

"Joe's sleeping in Kia's old room."

"Wait, what?" Charlie sulked.

"I don't think Meghan can handle Jolie just yet." Leo laughed. "And she hasn't met your sisters yet either."

"Lots of Valdez!" Louisa grinned, throwing her hands up. "But your son."

"Your son."

"If neither of you want me, I'll go and see Frank. He'll have me."

"I highly doubt that, but be my guest." Leo caught his son in a headlock, blowing a raspberry on his cheek. Charlie wailed in protest, wiggling to get free. "No way out of it."

"Mama!" Charlie looked at her desperately. "Mama, tell him!" Louisa held her hands out and Leo let go. Charlie barrelled into his mother's arms and hid his face in her shoulder. "He's mean, Mama. Tell him off."

"Bad Valdez. Go sit in the corner 'n' think 'bout what you've done."

"No."

"Eh. I tried." Louisa shrugged, rubbing circles into her son's shoulders.

"Mama's boy." Joe smirked.

"Demon." Charlie stuck his tongue out.

"You lot are very strange." Meghan commented. Leo and Louisa grinned at each other and then Leo held his hand out.

"Welcome to the Valdez life. You'll get used to it."

* * *

 **OK, I know I said this was a one-shot, but it turned into a story. Sort of. I've spent about seven hours on this. I just sort of rolled with it and I'm quite happy with the Leoisa in this as well ^_^**

 **Also, I have a thing up- _Headcanons of the Arty Universe_ \- go and check it out! :D **


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